When life truly isn't fair

I've admittedly been pretty busy over the last week. Too busy to even check-in. Plus Mark is on vacation so I don't really like to sit and blog or really even play on the computer that much when he is off. So I've slacked on here, even when I had stuff to say, but today I'm making myself do it. I have a ton of errands to run and really need a shower but I'm getting this done before because if not I don't think I will.

I always lived by the mantra that 'life is fair if you make the best of it'. Basically if you sit around getting all depressed that things aren't turning out the way you wished they were or sit and covet what some other person has and wish it was you then of course life isn't going to seem fair. I could sit here and get all upset about how I don't have the ability to have babies whenever I feel like it. A new gymnastics friend has three kids 18 months apart and is trying for her fourth. I could never have that. Even though my infertility is an easy fix that still doesn't make it 'fair'. But I don't wallow in the self-pity of it. Where does that get me? It doesn't change the way things are. It just makes me mope around and be depressed and that's just not the way to live. Instead I take what I get and move on from it. Life is much more enjoyable when you have a more cheerful outlook.

But there are times...there are things that happen...that just anger me. Things that just plain aren't fair. I work with this woman who has two children that are around my age. She and I may not have always gotten along but in the seven years that I've worked with her I've come to respect her very much as a person. She is a very devoted mother and grandmother and she is an incredibly strong woman when it comes to practically everything in life. Well, her daughter who is 27 is sick. And not just have a flu and get over it sick, but leukemia sick. She's been fighting it off and on for 3ish years now. Hospital stays in Boston, stem-cell transplants, chemo and radiation. She has suffered through awful things while being away from her husband and two young daughters. For the past almost year she's been in remission and doing well. Her mother told me that they were making plans to go to New York and see a play. Then she started having bad pains and after a trip to the hospital and back down to Boston...the cancer is back. The cancer is back and in her bones and there really aren't any options left for her. Well there is a $10,000 experimental drug that they're waiting on insurance to approve but that is her last hope at this point. Otherwise this will likely be it for her.

It just all makes me sad, sad on so many levels. As a mother my heart breaks for her mother. I can't bare the thought of seeing my child go through that and die...completely helpless. My heart breaks for the girl who will be leaving her children. Leaving my kids in unfathomable to me. Then there are those two beautiful little girls who may lose their mother...the youngest who doesn't remember a time when her mother wasn't sick. It is truly not fair. There is no making the best of it or thinking more positively about it. It's just not fair. None of these people deserve this. There isn't one thing that any of them did so wrong to warrant this happening to them. I want so desperately to snap my fingers and make it all go away. To give them $10,000 that I don't have so that they can try that last drug. But I can't and I'm just helpless as everyone else is. I don't pray but I hope and I guess that's all I can do. I hope that for once life is fair for this girl and her family and that this horrible disease doesn't destroy their lives anymore. I hope because in a life that isn't always fair, sometimes it's the only option we have.

Mom of the Year Award Goes to...not me!

Bianca does dance. She loves dance. I hated dance as a child, especially ballet so I never kept with it and stuck with gymnastics and later cheerleading. But when it came to deciding what activities I'd sign her up for dance was one of them. She has always liked to bop around to different songs ever since she was first able to. It just seemed like the thing to do. And it has gone so well and I'm loving it too now being on the other side of it. I'm glad to have found an activity that she loves and is getting so much out of.

So of course when her first season was over and there was mention of a dance camp for 3-6 year olds I thought it would be fun to sign her up for her first camp experience. I wasted no time in registering her and getting her all set. That was in May and the camp was in July. So we had a lot of waiting to do. Then all of a sudden it was July and for some reason I had it stuck in my head that it started on the 19th and ran for 4 days. The 19th is a Tuesday and even though that was sort of weird, I just though that's when it was. I went with it. Then yesterday I ran around picking up the last minute things she needed to be ready for her first day of camp...new ballet shoes, new tights, a towel, sunscreen, lunchbox stuff. She was so excited that she ran around in her new ballet shoes most of day. Then when I was double checking the flyer to make sure I had everything she needed I realized that it said the 18th-21st. Wait...Monday is the 18th, not Tuesday!!! Yep we missed her first day of camp. I was heart broken for her, shed some tears. I don't know whether to blame the lack of sleep I've been getting or just my general mindlessness. Bianca of course has no clue whatsoever which I'm thankful for. What makes it worse was that the dance teacher posted on facebook Sunday night that camp started and she'd see everyone in the morning....and I liked it. For some reason that didn't register in my head that by 'see you in the morning' she meant the next day. Yeah it's pretty obvious and normally I would have picked up on that and then got all frantic because I didn't have all the stuff I needed for her yet. But I think the sleep deprivation has gotten to me and the words just did not compute. So I failed.

I'm not even sure why it bothers me so much. Maybe because as her mother she depends on me to get her to things like this on time and when she's supposed to be. Maybe it's because as a kid my mother would do that sometimes and I'd miss out on stuff and would be upset about it. It's easy to blame our parents for our issues, but really I can't blame anyone but myself here. So yep no mother of the year award here.

But that makes today our first day of dance camp instead! Bianca was so excited she kept asking if it was time yet. I got her stuff all together and her all suited up and we made it on time and everything. I have no clue how it is going or how she will do. She can be a bit of a pill and headstrong so I can only imagine. Hopefully she isn't giving them too much trouble and is enjoying dancing and all the other stuff they have planned. It's weird being here without her. I am apart from her when I go to work, but I haven't been with just Bowen in the house for longer than maybe an hour at a time. He looked around for her a little bit when we first got home, but now is enjoying living it up and having run of the house and toys. Plus some private time with me.

all ready for dance camp...though refusing to look at the camera for me

Weekly check-in 7-17

The boy was so wonderful and woke me up at 5:45 am this morning. When you go to bed at 1 am the night before that is just not cool and I'm feeling a little out of it right now. But I'll come on here anyway and do my thing.

Breakfastvus Festivus

Since I had come upon the recipe I had been dying to try making Paula Deen's overnight french toast. I love french toast but I find the prospect of fan prying daunting and don't do it that often. So finding a recipe for french toast that sits in the fridge overnight and that you pop in the oven in the morning sounded awesome! Plus it's topped with this pecan praline type of mixture that just made it amazing! I'm going to have to quarter the recipe since even just halving it made more than me and two kids with stomachs the size of their fists can eat but it's worth a definite do again!

Paula Deen's Baked French Toast Casserole

It is better than it looks...I promise!

Project Weight Loss Fail

Yep, total fail this week. I made the mistake of buying way too much deli meat this week and so I had to eat some for lunch. Not that huge of a diet ruiner but then we got Chinese for our 7th wedding anniversary (yay us!) which was yummy but that left me with two days of leftovers that I then ate for lunch. Plus I broke a couple of snacking rules on top of that. So is it really any big surprise that when I weighed in today I came up with...

Week 3 (7/17) 144 lbs

Yep gained 2 lbs! Gah!!! This week means getting back on my diet plan and keeping with that. On a workout positive though, I ran 25 minutes straight with Bowen twice! The first time I texted my bestie after and told her that I thought I was dying. Obviously I didn't but it made me not want to do it again. I did however and it wasn't nearly as bad. It gives me hope that if it doesn't rain like crazy tomorrow that I'll be able to do it again!

A Week In the Life

Kind of a boring week around here.

I took the kids to their first 3D movie...How to Train Your Dragon. Bowen would not keep the glasses on and Bianca did after a lot of persuading. It was only my second ever so I was pretty pumped and again it cost a whole $1.07 for the movie and popcorn! We ended up leaving 10 minutes early because Bowen had just had it at that point. We've seen the movie before about a million times and it's on the longer side so I'm not surprised. It was still a fun experience. The next 3D one is Megamind and I'm looking forward to that since we haven't seen it yet.

The only other thing worth mentioning was that July 15th marked my 7th year of marriage! I can't believe it's been 7 years already. It's insane how quickly time goes by. We did nothing exciting since we're saving and paying off debt. Just broke budget and splurged on Chinese food with the kiddos.

Oh and a final feeling old moment came to me last night at work when I realized that out of me, another shift supervisor, a cashier, a pharmacy tech, and the pharmacist...I was the oldest working in the store at that moment. I can remember when I was the front store baby. Yeah not anymore because I'm getting old.

So I actually swore that I wasn't going to go there. I was just going to skip over Casey Anthony and move on to other things because people have talked enough about it. There isn't anything that I'm going to say that hasn't already been said. Even my feelings about it are pretty moot at this point. It won't change anything.

Then I started watching this true crime show about the case of Baby Grace. There is some small amount of me that vaguely remembers reading something about it in passing but I don't remember details. I was pregnant with Bianca when it happened and barely pregnant with Bowen when it went to trial so I was otherwise occupied I guess. Either way if you don't know what it's about I'll just say that it involves a mother and step-father who beat a 2 year old girl to death...using a belt, throwing her across the room, and dragging her by the hair and holding her head under water. All to teach her a lesson so that she'd "behave" better. During this time the poor little girl looked up at her mother and said "I love you". They took her body, put it in a sterilite container, and after a couple of months brought it out to sea and dumped it. I was in tears watching the thing. It is completely unimaginable to me and I later hugged both my kids so tightly they were upset at me for invading their personal spaces.

Now this isn't like the Casey Anthony case at all. I mean this couple admitted to doing it and eventually were found guilty and sentenced to life in prison. But it brought me back to Casey Anthony anyhow. I'm convinced she did it. There really is no doubt in my mind. I admit to being shocked that she was found 'not guilty'. I admit to even being a little angry about it and thinking of how dumb the jury was. I even agree with a friend of mine who said that 'if she were a guy she would have been found guilty'. I don't doubt that for a second. I mean no one wants to believe that a mother would kill her own child and when you put any doubt in their head then they going to go with what they want to believe is true...whether it is right or not. A jury had no problem of convicting Scott Peterson in what was pretty much a circumstantial case. I remember when that verdict was read I was actually a little surprised. I think he did it but I didn't think there was enough evidence proving that he did without a doubt. Yet I was angry with the Casey Anthony jury for doing what I thought should have been done with Scott Peterson. There was a doubt...which even though in my heart seems unreasonable...it still is a doubt.

I am vehemently against the death penalty because of the fact that an innocent person could be convicted and killed for something they didn't do. Look at the West Memphis Three case. I read books on that and watched documentaries. I have no doubt that they are innocent yet are sitting in jail...one on death row. So even though I see why there is doubt in the Casey Anthony case I still feel like she got off O.J. Simpson style and I'm still mad at a jury that I can't help but feel was incompetent. I guess that is why I wouldn't make a good juror. I let my personal feelings cloud my judgement way too often. I'm not saying it is a bad thing but there is no way I could have sat in that trial and heard that she didn't report her child missing for 31 days and hear all her lies and not automatically think that she did it. Maybe she didn't. Maybe it was an accident. Maybe she is just guilty of being a really shitty mother. Even so maybe that should be a crime. It's all over facebook about wanting to pass a law that makes it a crime not to report your child missing within a reasonable amount of time. I think that's fair. We are all our children have to protect them. When as a parent you can't stand up and make sure you do what it right for your child then you should be held accountable for your actions. Like in Baby Grace where the mother herself may not have done all the horrific torture but instead allowed it to happen. It was her job to protect her child above anything else. Because our children depend on us for that. When you choose to become a parent then that's what you sign up for. Putting the lives of someone else forever ahead of yours. I would give my life before I'd let someone hit my child with a belt let alone beat them to death. I freak when my child is out of my sight for more than 2 seconds let alone 31 days. Anything less is a crime and that without a doubt Casey Anthony is guilty of.

Weekly check-in

It has been a busy week. So busy that I haven't had time to even get on here and type about anything...at all. I had all these plans of talking about my 4th of July and Casey Anthony but it seems that time has totally gotten away from me. I had also planned to make every Sunday a check-in day because I love Sundays and there are a few things that I want to note progress on.

Mmmm...Breakfast

Sunday is my 'make an awesome breakfast' day. Let's face it, with chasing after two kids, working part time, and babysitting I don't often have time to make a nice warm breakfast for anyone of us let alone the kids. I decided a few months ago to make Sundays be the day that no matter what I make a breakfast that does not just consist of cereal and bananas. This morning I tackled for the third time...homemade cinnamon buns. The first time was a bust, second was an improvement but still not there, so I decided to go with a new recipe thanks to the awesome Paula Deen and try again. This time we had success! Of course by the time they were done they weren't so much breakfast as much as an after lunch dessert but now that I have a good recipe to follow they can officially enter the yummy breakfast recipe rotation. Kids are happy and they are totally worth ruining my diet over.

See ooey, gooey, and minus one since we couldn't wait to try them! Here is the recipe:

Paula Deen's Cinnamon Rolls Recipe

Project Lose the Baby Weight

I find it very fitting to talk about weight loss after talking about cinnamon rolls. Haha. I've done okay with losing the baby weight after having Bowen, but I haven't really tried to either. With Bianca by the time she was a year old I had lost all the weight I gained doing nothing so I figured I'd go with that again. Well I'm older now, I gained a little more this time, and I'm stuck with 10 lbs that just did not want to go away. So I decided to get off my butt and do something about it. It helps that our health insurance now requires you to do healthy lifestyle changes in order to get a discount. You can pick anything from reducing stress to eating more fruit. I chose get fit and lose weight because I needed a motivator and not just something to lie about. I started with the Wii Fit and was just bored with it. Then my friends started the Couch to 5k program and I joined in. So mainly I'm doing that and I also have been doing the Insanity fit test once a week too which is just killer. I can't imagine doing that whole program...I think I might die if I did. I started off weighing in on the Wii Fit at 146. My goal is to get down to 135 and I'll be happy. That's less than pre-Bianca weight but not my high school weight and I'm okay with that. I don't expect to ever be that thin again. I'm turning 30 and I birthed two kids....135 is good enough for me!

I had been doing just the running for a few months and my weight went up and down. It was bumming me out so I bucked up and decided to do a diet change too. I have gone with the Yogurt diet in the past because I like Yogurt, it's filling, and it's healthy. So I stocked up on some Yoplait Whips with my coupons and started my diet of yogurt for breakfast, yogurt for lunch, and a regular dinner. I also throw in some fruit and veggies as snacks here and there and allow myself one unhealthy snack a day too. I want to lose weight and be healthy but I want to enjoy living too. I decided with this to weigh myself on the Wii Fit every Sunday and see how it goes. So with this diet and along with running here are my current stats...

Start at 146 lbs
Week 1 143 lbs
Week 2 (today) 142 lbs

I blame the 4th of July goodies for the only 1 lb loss this week but it's still a success in my book! 7 more lbs to go as the Wii so nicely tells me!

A Week In the Life

Finally let's go over the highlights of the week last week.

4th of July brought red, white, and blue pancakes, the Winslow parade with our friends the Csontos family followed by a BBQ lunch at their house, nap time in which it poured, quick run to the Fort Halifax where they were having the Winslow 4th celebration for pony rides and the petting zoo before getting rained on, BBQ ribs and beans for dinner, awesome homemade jello flag cake for desert, and finally a Bianca and Mumma night at the fireworks while the boys stayed home.

Got a brand new kitchen table since the other one was in poor shape. It was older than me and was my parents' so not surprising. Instead we got this awesome little nook with bench seating that is kind of restaurant style. Bianca now sits at the table to eat and Bowen has her little kiddy table. It is nice to sit around a functioning table and eat instead of hanging out in the living room with the TV on. Best purchase that I've made in a while...and it also brought us to Kmart's 50% off toys sale in which I got cheap moon dough and moon sand plus a couple of toys for the minions.

Wednesday took the kids to Camp Flagship which is free older kids movies. This week was Shrek Forever After. I snuck in drinks and the popcorn was only $1.07. Gotta love a trip to the movies for that cheap!

Thursday was our first beach day of the year! Yay!!! I took the kids to Damariscotta Lake State Park. This was Bowen's first time really being able to enjoy the beach and not just sit around the whole time. Of course that meant me chasing after him while trying to make sure Bianca didn't go too deep in the water. It was exhausting but fun and the start of many more beach days to come hopefully!

Friday is now gymnastics and shopping day. No spectacular deals this week in coupon land other than my yogurt being on sale and saving $1.20 in coupons on top of that. Crap! I just realized it's Sunday and the new coupons are out. I always forget to run and get a newspaper. Hopefully CVS won't let me down this week.

And that's it for the weekly check-in. Maybe if I'm not shuttling the kids around this week I'll post more and it won't be much of a check-in next Sunday. I still would love to vent about the Casey Anthony trial but I haven't quite formulated my thoughts totally on that yet. We'll see.

Not so extreme couponing

Reading my awesome friend Michelle's blog post about couponing today made me want to post my own. Here is the link to her blog. She's awesome and inspiring with her getting out of debt ways and living more affordably. It's worth the read.

http://ditchingdebt.blogspot.com


Anyway, I'll admit it...I've turned into a couponer. Not extreme like on that TLC show. I'm against that on a variety of personal principles such as I will never buy things that I'd never use just because it's free. I also think some of these stockpilers are bordering on hoarders. I have a few things I hoard...like toothpaste and clearance laundry detergent. I did have a huge stockpile of clearance toilet paper too for a while. I am a huge clearance hound, but I have my limits. I am a bit snooty and have my certain products that I won't compromise on buying. Like I don't care what sale milk is on...I will only buy organic milk. I've also started to only buy organic cereal for the kids. It doesn't matter to me that I can get regular cereal practically for free. So even if I can get an awesome deal, I won't bother with it because I won't use it. The only exception to this is if it makes me money. Like if I can get two dollars back for buying fake eyelashes...I'll do it!

But I love a good deal. I love an awesome coupon deal even better. I have worked at CVS for way too long and have learned a lot about couponing from all the regular coupon crazies we see. I've started to work harder at using these skills towards my grocery shopping. It's hard when you're as particular as I am. I would do a lot better if I was more willing to buy stuff just because it's cheap. I guess that's why I say I'm 'not so extreme'. My other problem is that I'm on a very tight self-imposed grocery budget which doesn't always allow for a lot of stocking up on things. So even though my favorite BBQ sauce that we practically live on is on sale this week for almost half off, I don't have the extra cash in my budget to stock up on enough to make it last until it's on sale again. They say that an item typically goes on sale every 3 months. Sometimes sooner. In CVS land it's probably more like once a month, but we have way less product than a grocery store does. So in the case of the BBQ sauce, I'd have to buy about 6 bottles to get me through to when it's on sale again. At a dollar each it comes to $6. Now I know $6 doesn't sound like much, and I kind of feel silly even typing that I won't do it knowing that it will save me money in the long run, but when your budget it set up down to the dollar...it doesn't leave room.

Here are my basic coupon rules...

1. I will never clear out a shelf and I respect store and coupon limits
2. I will never buy something I don't need or wouldn't use just because it's free. I will however buy something I don't use or need if it it's a 'money maker'.
3. I will never split up my transaction in to 30 separate transactions. It holds up lines, isn't fair to other customers, and is annoying to cashiers. I will occasionally do two or three at CVS but I work there and my coworkers love me. I will also get out of line if there are people behind me. That is proper shopping etiquette.
4. I will never continuously stockpile items I do use just because they are free. Like at CVS we are pretty constantly giving toothpaste away free. I have probably 12 bottles of toothpaste in my toothpaste stockpile. I won't just keep buying and hoarding them and will wait until I get to a more normal amount before I start stockpiling again. Again money makers are the exception. I never pass those up.

So my own little rules kind of limit me in a sense but on occasion I can partake in an awesome deal and this week at Shaw's I got a couple of them that were just too good to pass up and possibly too good to not go back and do again. First Coke 12 pks are on sale for 5/$10. Awesome deal on it's own if you're a big soda drinker. On top of that there are coupons out in the Shaw's summer coupon book...two separate ones. One for $2 off and 2 coke products (not including coke itself) and a free 8 pk when you buy 3 coke products. Plus there is a secret catalina coupon (which are coupons you get back after you pay for the items) on Minute Maid 12 pks which are a coke product.

So just to lay out the math for you (not including deposit and tax)...

You buy 5 coke products. In my case 4 Minute Maid 12 pks and 1 Coke 12 pk. = $10
You use 2 of the $2 of 2 12 pk coupons. $10 - $4 = $6
Plus you get a free 8 pk of coke for using the free 8 pk coupon.
Then because I bought 4 Minute Maid 12 pks I get a coupon back for $3 off my next shopping trip. If you factor that into your savings I just spent $3 for 5 - 12 pks and 1 - 8 pk.

There is no limit to this deal but it's only a 4 day sale and you have to grab 2 coupon booklets for every set of 5 that you buy. I will probably go back today and do it again just because it's so cheap. Then maybe I can take my $3 coupon back and buy some of that BBQ sauce that I should stock up on.

My other awesome deal was actually a bit of a lucky one but worth mentioning. Shaw's was running a deal where if you buy 4 of General Mills Cereal or Yoplait Smoothies that you'll get a coupon back for a free gallon of milk. I planned to buy the smoothies since I don't buy that cereal and I also had $1 off coupons for them. They were on sale for 4/$10.

You buy 4 yoplait smoothies at 4/$10 = $10
You use 4 $1 off yoplait smoothie coupons $10 - $4 = $6
Then you get a coupon back for a free gallon of milk!

Now for me who spends $6 on a gallon of organic milk this is a good deal, though generally there is a price limit to the milk coupon. Not sure what it would have been this time since the ad didn't specify and it turned out different for me anyway which is a thing to learn when it comes to couponing. My store was out of the yoplait smoothies. You have two options depending on your store when this happens which is either get a raincheck or see if they'll substitute a like item. They offered to substitute these Jamba Juice smoothies for the same deal...taking my coupons and everything. But because they can't make the coupon for the milk print out they have to just markdown my milk to $0. This gave me my normally $6 milk for free when otherwise I might have had to pay $2 for it with this deal.

So after all that I got 4 jamba juice smoothies and 1 gallon of my $6 organic milk for $6! It is like I bought my milk that I buy weekly anyway and got the smoothies for free!

In the end I spent $48 for all the groceries I need for the week after savings, discount, and coupons (I saved a total of $56 not including the $3 coupon I got back for the soda). This doesn't include my meat which I buy at the meat market and a few of the fruits and veggies that I buy at the farm stand down the street. I typically spend a total of $30 for both of those. That gives me a weekly grocery total of $78 for my family of four which comes in at $15 below my budget. Not bad and it leaves me room to buy some more 12 pks and then maybe get some more BBQ sauce too!

That's the art of the dress!

On a more positive note, I wanted to share my latest sewing creations for Bianca. Seeing as how she likes to only wear dresses these days and dresses cost more than I like to spend on clothes for the kids I have turned my diaper sewing skills to dress making. Now being a self-taught sewer of only just over a year I'm no where near perfect but they're for my 3 year old so perfection is not necessary. Plus they are super cute! I'm still playing around with making up different patterns but mostly I stick to the same style...just tweaking the fit a bit. Anyway here are two of the most recent dresses I have made because I just need to brag!

Mint Chocolate Zoo dress...note the boy being naughty in the background

David & Goliath Owl with embroidered owl on top...my machine has skills

And another one just because she's cute!

Why parent when you don't have to...

I had started to write this a couple of days ago but I was trying to do it on my tablet and yeah that was a no go. This is the first time I've had a chance to get on the computer and although I'm not as angry about it anymore I still feel it's worth writing about.

There is a certain person I know that we'll refer to as Idiot. Well Idiot is a single mom with three kids from two different dads. Not judging anyone in that situation but it's important in this story. She is unemployed and living off the state. She is capable of working or even going to school to get a good job but whenever she does one or the other she ends up quitting and getting herself fired and back on unemployment. That isn't even my main issue. My issue is that she has these three kids. The oldest two spend their day in daycare that is paid for by the state. Not sure for how long exactly but we'll assume it's a typical daycare schedule like she has had in the past from 8-4. So at most she has all three kids awake together for about 5 hours a day. Every weekend the oldest two are somewhere else...either with their dad and his family or with her parents. She does have the baby pretty much always on her own since sadly that baby's father wants nothing to do with her. Sometimes she is with her parents too but after she had the baby it seems like she isn't with them as much. Well the other day she is complaining about this and that online and then is complaining about how she needs someone to take the oldest two for the weekend because her parents will be away and she needs a break. A break!

I'm not saying having kids is easy and you don't deserve a break every once-in-a-while but when doesn't she have a break? You want to know when I have a break...when I go to work! That is my break! I have no babysitters...no family close enough to take my kids. My husband and I tag team parent which means that when he's at work I'm home and when I'm at work he is home so we don't go broke paying for daycare. We don't have days off together unless he is on vacation. We have two mornings off a week together but he is usually sleeping most of it and if he's not then one of us is running an errand that we can't do when we have both kids and the kids are mostly my responsibility. I love being a mom, I love my kids. I'm not complaining, but often I kind of feel like a single mom. I don't get the going to bed alone at night or taking all the financial burden on my own, but I get having kids by myself because that's what I do. That is my life. But it's not even that she says she needs a break or asks for a break that necessarily bothers me. It's that she demands, expects, and gets upset when she doesn't get it. I know for a fact that she didn't have the kids last weekend because I was with her parents and her parents had them. Now obviously their dad should do his share and should have his time with them. That is only fair to him and to the kids. I don't know what their arrangement is. Maybe it's not official...maybe it's every other weekend. I just don't get why you would have kids if you can't deal with having them for what amounts to a few hours a day during the week and all weekend too. It's not like she's working. She just can't deal with the stress of having all three. Well then you know how babies are made, maybe you should have done something instead of just continuing to pop them out. Oh that's right, you are proud of the fact that you had your third because the baby is the reason you got housing. Her words...not mine.

I get what the problem is here. She's being enabled by every possible source there is...family, state. It's not being done for her benefit but for the innocent kids who didn't ask to be born into this situation. It's an awful thing all around and there is no easy answer or easy solution. But it angers me. It angers me that she has these three children and she pawns them off every opportunity she can. She always has and probably always will. I'm angry at her for what she has become, I'm sad for the kids who deserve better. I guess I'm just lucky to want more out of life for myself and for my family than that. I hope one day that she wakes up and really realizes that she needs to change and not just say it like she always does. I will probably always hope for this because she was like a little sister to me. And maybe that's why it makes me so angry and so sad and so frustrated. Sometimes I blame myself. Maybe I should have done more for her early on before it all went so wrong. But I was selfish and too involved in my own life at the time to think about hers'. I hope one day that we can get back there. That we won't be so distant. That I won't just get angry every time she says something. I'm a forgiver almost to a fault but I haven't gotten past this yet and I don't think I will until something changes inside or her or I just accept her for who she is. And even if I just accept her, I'm not sure that's the kind of person I want in my life. So maybe I should just let go and move on, but I'm a hoper too so instead we'll stick with that and hope that one day it will get better even if it never does.

F You Craig's list!!!!!!

Ugh!!! I've been searching for weeks now for a decent quality, decently priced double jogging stroller. People in Maine apparently are internet deficient and don't use Craig's List much so finding listings for a jogging stroller is hard. Then when I do find one they are down near Portland which by the time I pay for the gas to get down there the price isn't so spectacular and I might as well buy new. Well finally I find one in my area. It's on the high end of my price range but it's a really nice one. I email the seller. It's still available! Great! So to make it easier I ask what time they'd rather me come by. I figure that is the nice thing to do rather than just show up too late or too early. They give me a time range late last night. I let them know I'll be by at 1 pm today and I get an email back that it is already sold. Seriously!!! What the Hell?!?!?! I guess that's what I get for trying to be nice and come at a time that is better for them. Ugh I'm just so pissed off about it. Granted I didn't ask them to hold it or anything and I don't use Craig's List hardly ever so I don't know what the rules of etiquette are on the stupid thing. It is the internet after all. My first instinct is to just email them back full of pissy snark but I won't because in the end it isn't going to solve anything. The stroller is gone and I need to move on. Maybe I'm just expecting too much.

Feeling old again

Besides feeling like death today, I'm also feeling old. Okay not old in the way that 30 is old but old as in the eldest of my little cousin's (my first cousin's son) turned 18 yesterday and has graduated high school. We spent a good portion of the day yesterday at their house celebrating both. I know that time flies, kids grow up...all of it happens too quickly. But I can remember the first time I met him when he was just a baby. I remember when we met up with them in Boston and he couldn't even walk yet but would sit on my lap for hours. I remember when he loved The Lion King so much that they had to keep it on the TV in this endless loop because he would stand at the TV and roar until they put it back on. I remember when he grabbed my boob in the checkout line at Shop and Save and said "your going to have babies one day!" and at 16 I was completely mortified. He was this baby, this toddler. Then I saw him yesterday hanging out with his group of friends...being a normal teenager. When did he grow up...or worse, when did I grow up? If he's legally an adult now, heading off to college, beginning his journey into being a self-sufficient member of society then I guess I'm already there. Well I know I'm already there...mostly...but it just feels so surreal. I mean the kid can grab the keys and take off in a car and go driving around with his friends. I remember driving around with my friends like it was yesterday....ah the days of Magnolia and alien testing sites. I just always remember being the cool older cousin to them. Then as my son goes toddling over to the group of teenage boys and I follow I realize that I'm not the cool older cousin. I'm an adult now. Okay I sort of stopped being just the cool older cousin when I got married and didn't spend my visits with them playing for hours, but it didn't always feel that way. Yesterday it did. Like I'm on the outside looking in at my little cousins who are not so little anymore and are beginning their own lives that no longer revolve around me. Instead it's my youngest 13 year old little cousin who is running around playing with my daughter for hours. They are me and my kids are them.

I realized that a while ago but I just didn't figure out where I fit in all of it. I didn't feel like just one of the adults, but I guess that is who I am now. My spot in family gatherings has now become sitting with the adults talking about adult things. The place that I always wanted to be when I was younger. I guess that makes me old and it is time to just sit back and embrace this adulthood. I'm certainly not getting any younger. Or maybe I just drank too much NyQuil.

Running, friends, and Patrick Dempsey!

So a little while back a few of my super awesome Lost Girls mommy friends decided to all do the Couch to 5k program. I need to get in shape and lose the rest of this baby weight that won't come off on it's own so I figured running is a good way to start it. I ran track in high school but I did that mostly for the socialization. I sucked at running, I had a very slight case of asthma, and well I just hated it anyway. But for some reason with other people doing it, it seemed like fun. Plus a couple of my coworkers run on occasion too so I figured if I got good at running I could go running with them sometime. So I started the couch to 5k program using my Wii fit and running while the kids were napping. I proudly finished day 3 of week 7 the other day and on Sunday will be starting Week 8 which is running for 28 minutes straight. It amazes me that I can actually do that. I mean even Week 7 is 25 minutes. If you had asked me 3 months ago if I could run anywhere I would say only if I was being chased and it would have to be being chased by some psycho murderous lunatic. But somehow with this program I managed to actually like running...or even love running! I am working on running outside now. I did my last workout running around the backyard while the kids played. I hope to get a double jogging stroller at some point when I find one cheap enough and actually take my minions out with me for runs.

But let's get to the Patrick Dempsey part. So part of the couch to 5k program is that you work up to 5k so that you can register and run one. My best best friend Jennie and I decided to try to find one somewhere between us and register. That's when I remembered that we could do the best 5k ever...The Dempsey Challenge!!! If there is one thing that Jennie and I both love it's Grey's Anatomy and McDreamy! I had registered to walk the Dempsey Challenge last year but hurt my back badly the week before and wasn't able to go. This year we are going to run it and I'm so excited! It's not until October which gives us plenty of time to work up to it. We'll get to run, hang out, and see us some McDreamy. I'm crazy excited!

But I also need to raise $150 for an awesome cause...the cancer center Patrick Dempsey started here in Maine. So help me out and sponsor me

http://dempseychallenge2011.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=435102&lis=0&kntae435102=274476F2F9A04090B71CE24C1EE82AD5

Thanks and you are awesome...and that's coming from me so you must truly be the awesomest person ever!!

3 Word Birth Stories

Babycenter posted on facebook today daring you to simply your birthstory and shorten it down to three words. I accept this dare but not before resharing both of my original birthstories. I'm sure anyone who has read this have read them or cares not to read them but they were two of the most important days in my life and there isn't much that I like more than a birthstory, especially my own.

First up...December 4, 2007 Bianca June

So just because I feel the need to share too much information and some people may want to read it (like Heather who wants to know everything) here's my birth story. Just to warn you it may be boring to everyone except me because I don't have Mark's sense of humor but I tried to keep it light. Enjoy!

Labor Part I (the is it real labor labor?)

As we all know I was scheduled to be induced at 6 am on December 4th. Mark's mom spent the night with us because of the storm and I, of course, stayed up late because I was excited and really couldn't have slept anyway. I finally get myself to bed somewhere around 11 and with my mind a-buzzing couldn't get to sleep. Eventually I did and got maybe an hour if I was lucky when I wake up at 1:45 am feeling some pretty painful cramps. They don't last long and go away so I'm not entirely sure if they're real labor pains or some more of that fun false labor I have been getting. Not wanting to wake up Mark for nothing I lay in bed timing them by the alarm clock...7 mins apart, 6 mins apart...okay maybe this is the real thing. Well I let them go until 2:30 so I can be fully convinced and then wake up Mark. All I can say is thank goodness for the jeep or we would have never gotten to the hospital on the very poorly plowed roads.

Labor Part II (the I'm not taking any drugs labor)

We get to the hospital at 3 am and head up to labor and delivery. I get all hooked up to monitors all excited that this could actually be it. She was meant to be born this day. The nurse tells me I am in real labor so no more questions about that and then checks to see how dilated I am. Only 4 cm. So basically I'm in early almost active labor. Great...so I have like forever left to go. Meanwhile the pretty painful cramps are turning into really painful cramps and the fact that I haven't really gotten much sleep since Sunday night is starting to catch up to me. I get to hang out in the very cool whirl pool tub. If you have a baby and they have one of those...use it! It helps. I'm pretty happy in there for about 2 hours before I start to get both super wrinkly and in even more pain. I get back to bed and they check my dilation again...still only 4 cm. Mark comments on my stupid cervix and I'm starting to agree with him.

Labor Part III (the I can't do this labor)

Somewhere around the time of 7 I'm in an incredible amount of pain and am beginning to think that I can't do it. Okay maybe I'm saying I can't do this. Nurses and Mark are trying to convince me otherwise. Yeah right. Like they know what they're talking about. Focus on my breathing? Sure, once I get past the intense pain!!! I try the tub again. That lasts not very long. I'm ready to breakdown. I'm thinking about doing it. Doing the one thing I swore I would not do...take the drugs. They have me try the birthing ball next which is really just this big yoga ball that you sit and rock or bounce on. It's not feeling too bad other than hurting my hips and putting me to sleep which doesn't last because another contraction comes. Now my hips feel like they're going to pop off. The nurse explains the drugs to me and I decide to go for it. Hey I'm exhausted and I know my limits. I didn't want to take them but there's only so much pain one can deal with on little to no sleep in over 24 hours.

Labor Part III (the I'm high labor)

It's 10 am and they give me the staydol which is just drugs in your IV that don't completely numb the pain but can make it not so bad for an hour. Basically they make you feel drunk. Though to me it was more like I was high...a little giddy, nodding off, spacing out. Not so bad and I don't have to deal with the epidural. I like this.

::2 hours later::

Okay the pain is coming back. I need more happy drugs!!! I'm crying and whimpering and shaking and getting aggravated with Mark who is only trying to tell me to breath. They give me more of the drug, I'm now 5 cm and they decide to break my water. Good maybe we'll get somewhere now. Of course, now the contractions are becoming unbearable and the drugs aren't working. It's somewhere around 1 pm and they're talking about giving me pitocin to induce me since I'm still only 5 cm. If I go on pitocin I'll want the epidural because it makes contractions more intense or more painful. Can they really get more painful? So rather than wait for the pitocin I ask for the epidural. It takes a while for every laboring woman's best friend to get there and my head is now spinning I'm in so much pain.

Labor Part IV (just friggin kill me)

I'm screaming, I'm yelling, I'm crying...I'm asking them to make it stop. I even asked them to just friggin kill me. They're trying to get the epidural in and I'm just out of my mind. Most of that whole time was a blur. I just remember feeling each contraction start out as cramps and then turn into the worst pain you can possibly imagine. After each one I hope that the epi will be in and it will all be over and I may be able to even take a nap. Then another contraction hits. Goddammit just give me the drug already!!! Then the contraction ends a little early and my legs are feeling a little numb. Ahhh....much much much better. They check my cervix and I'm nearly 10 cm. Of course. Now that I have the drugs I'm pretty much ready to push. No need for pitocin now. I'm ready to go.

Labor Part V (I see the poop)

It's 2 pm and they want me to start pushing. I have a student nurse on one leg, another nurse on the other. Mark holding my head and counting and the doctor down in babyland. Pushing isn't so bad. There's a lot of pressure and you feel like you have to poop but compared to dealing with contractions it's not bad. Of course I'm on the epidural and I barely feel my contractions so maybe it's different without it. I don't know. I just start pushing and pushing and pushing and pushing. An hour later and I'm still pushing. They put a mirror in front of me so I can see, which after seeing Knocked Up I swore I wouldn't do. I guess drug induced you just don't care. It gives me something to focus on anyway which is how scary it looks down there but I won't go into those details. What I can see is the poop that I'm pooping when I'm pushing because really pushing to give birth is like pushing when you have to poop and inevitably poop comes out. As Mark says...we really are born into a world of shit. Of course they clean it up but when the doctor asks if I saw the head move out a little I say...no, but I saw the poop.

The baby is positioned sunny side up which means that her face is to the ceiling which apparently does not make for easy birthing. The doctor has to try and turn her. Yeah turn her. Of course, my baby fights this and every time she's turned she goes right back. The little stinker. So I'm thinking pushing might not be bad. Shara only had 15 mins. Maybe I'll be lucky. 2 hours later, I'm not feeling so lucky. The head is starting to come out though and they ask if I want to touch it. Another thing I swore I wouldn't do but I easily succumb to peer pressure and touch the baby's head. I can only describe the feeling as one of those gel stress relief balls with the little beads inside except that there's a hard center to it. It was weird and I didn't keep my hand there for long. Just too weird.

Eventually I get through it though and with some more tough pushing at 4:18 pm the baby is out. Yay I did it! Drugged induced and exhausted but I did it. After a grand total of 14 1/2 hours of labor I'm a mommy to a screaming chubby cheeked little girl and I couldn't be happier. It almost makes you forget how awful labor is...but only almost.

So to sum Bianca up in three words...Pain. Poop. Princess

And November 7, 2009 Bowen Wolfe

I decided that if I'm going to write this I might as well do it as I did Bianca's birth story. So I jumped on myspace for the first time in forever so I could try to write it in the same style. Enjoy!

Labor Part I (the going to be induced labor)

Due to my blood clotting issues they decided to induce me early at 39 1/2 weeks. I was told to come in at 8 am on Saturday the 7th. I half expected to go into labor on my own like with Bianca but when the alarm went off at 7 am I realized I was actually going to be induced this time. So I said a tearful goodbye to Bianca (yeah I was hormonal) and went to hospital. It's so different this time. No rushing to the hospital...no blizzard. I am somewhere between calm and excited and nervous. We get there around 8 and with all the other stuff they have to do it takes 2 hours before they actually put me on the pitocin leaving us wondering why we had to be there at 8 but having a baby is never a quick thing. I am 4 cm at this point and hoping the pitocin will do its job and not take 14 hours.

Labor Part II (the I'm having contractions? labor)

So I have the IV in pumping the pitocin which since the nurse had a hard time getting into my vein left my hand sore and with a nasty bruise. But I'm just hanging out watching Law and Order because it's the only thing that's on that early on Saturdays. A couple of hours go by and I'm getting hungry so I ask about food. The nurse gets the Dr who wants to check me and see how things are going. I am only 4 cm still so she decides to break my water in order to get things going. After that she tells the nurse that since I'm having back to back contractions to lower the pitocin or actually take me off of it and let things progress on their own. Contractions? What contractions? I hadn't felt a thing! So I ask the nurse if I was really having any contractions and she was surprised that I wasn't feeling them. Well this isn't a bad labor at all then. Unfortunately I was only allowed to eat clear liquids which consist of beef broth, jello, and juice. Yum yum! Still I got to just hang out and leave Jennie a very calm message about how I'm in labor but not feeling anything. I am now in love with pitocin labor and am hoping the rest goes this easily so I can actually try to give birth without drugs. Woo hoo!

Labor Part III (the I really think I peed myself labor)

It turns out that taking me off pitocin wasn't a good idea since it slowed things down, so they put me back on. My water is leaking at a constant basis and I feel like I have to pee. I'm not sure if it's the water breaking that's causing this or if I really have to pee but at one point I turned to Mark and told him that I was pretty sure I peed myself. The nurse assured me that I didn't. I'm still feeling good at this point and Jennie calls me back and I chat with her for a while. While talking to her they up my pitocin because things still aren't going anywhere. I guess turning it off was a mistake. That's when I start to feel the contractions though they still aren't bad. I do end up getting off the phone just in case they got worse. I'm sure Jennie wouldn't have wanted to hear me screaming in pain. Plus Mark was just sitting there so I guess I should talk to him at some point. It was good timing because now things were getting more intense. I am reminded of how much I did not enjoy this with Bianca and decide that the next time the nurse comes in I'll ask for drugs. She offers anyway and I'm just glad I'm trying to head this off before it gets worse.

Labor Part IV (the I can't keep my eyes open labor)

The nurse checks me and I'm now 5 cm but knowing that is only half way seems like forever to go. She gives me this drug called Nubain which comes in two injections...the second one hurt a lot!! It took 10 minutes to kick in and the only reason I knew it kicked in was because it became impossible to keep my eyes open. She had also stopped the pitocin again and left me with this weird groggy feeling between contractions which I still felt. They didn't feel as bad but I don't know if that was the drugs making them easier or being off of pitocin. Either way I was not enjoying the feeling and would have much rather just had the epi. It is pretty much like this for an unknown amount of time because I was so out of it.

Labor Part V (the I feel like I just got punched in the taint labor)

The contractions kept getting stronger and stronger and with less time in between for my eyes to feel heavy. I am moaning and complaining during contractions when suddenly I feel what truly can only be described as literally getting punched in the taint. Although it felt like it was coming from the inside and that's exactly what I told Mark. I don't know if it was the baby or what but it was the weirdest feeling this I have ever experienced. Labor is now pretty close to unbearable and I'm just waiting for the wonderful man with the epidural to come in and save me and make everything hearts and flowers.

Labor Part VI (the either the head is coming out or I'm about to poop a bowling ball labor)

So far no wonderful man with a gigantic needle has come to save me. I'm moaning and yelling and practically crying in pain. The Dr checks me and I'm 8 to 9 cm and I realize that chances are that I'm not getting an epidural at this point. She has me lay on my side to try to get things going in another position. So I lay there screaming every few seconds when suddenly I get the urge to push...big time!!! They are asking me all these questions that I just can't put the thoughts together to answer...such as what is the baby's name? They then ask if I feel like I need to push and I say...either that or I'm going to poop a bowling ball. Sure enough it was not a bowling ball and the head was starting to come out. They run to get the Dr and this parade of nurses and whoever come in and I'm too busy hitting my wall of pain that I don't know who anyone was. I just kept saying that I couldn't do it and to get him out. The Dr makes Mark hold up my head and look at her so she could talk me through it like a coach trying to motivate an athlete with a serious "I mean business" sort of tone. I still said I couldn't do it but after 2 1/2 pushes, his shoulders getting stuck, and a nurse pushing on my stomach to help get him out...Bowen was here! All 8 lbs 15 oz of him. So now I can officially say I have one of each child and have had one of each kind of birth. If Mark agrees to have a third child...I'm definitely making sure I get the epidural.

And of course I'm so grateful that everything went as well as it did. I adore my son and am glad to bring him into this family and world. I have no regrets with this birth experience and would gladly do it all again in a second.

And to sum up Bowen in three words: I hate Pitocin. haha although true, I kid. Medicated. Unmedicated. Boy!

And there you have it. My full novel birthstories and the three word versions. I will never forget a second of either of those days and as fun as it is to simplify it down to three words both of those days had far more of an impact on me than is possible to explain is just three simple words. My babies are a story written by my heart...one with no ending and no word limit.

My Little...Bronies?

I came upon this a few months ago when searching for My Little Pony things for my daughter but I feel a need to revisit the topic. Yes adult men who have an obsession with a kid's TV show to the point where they collect the figures, write fan fiction, and play out RPG games as their pony characters. Oh and they also call themselves bronies.

We are big My Little Pony fans here. My daughter has practically every toy that exists, we are recording every show that has aired, and she also thinks she is a pony to the point where she wants to only be called 'Rarity'. But she is 3 1/2. Now I admit to actually liking the show. I loved My Little Ponies when I was little and even though the show has been redone it still brings back some nostalgic memories. I admit to even looking forward to watching a new episode that we haven't seen before. But it ends there for me. I don't jump on online forums and act out little pony fantasies with other adults. That just seems odd to me...odd and creepy. Yes I think adults are allowed to enjoy kid's things. I love my share of Disney. I had an extensive Lion King and penguin collection for a time. My question is...is this creepy because it's adults or creepy because it's guys liking a show that is marketed to little girls? I'm not so sure I'd think an adult woman being that into the show would bother me so much. So does that make me sexist? I don't know. There is just something about these guys that sends a million sirens off in my head and makes me want to put them on the "watch list". But maybe I'm the only one since the network that airs the show embraced them to the point that they gave them a shout out in a promo they run. See here...

So maybe I am the one that's wrong here. Maybe I watch way too much SVU and true crime shows. I don't care if my son was into ponies, but grown men bothers me and makes me think of pedophile serial killers. I guess I'm the one with issues, but I think I'm okay with that.

I'm going to sue you dad, but Happy Father's Day!

So in the spirit of Father's Day...let's have a circumcision debate! I kid. Mostly. But during one of my daily trips to the wonderful online world known as Babycenter I came upon a circ discussion in my son's birthclub. Mind you he is now 19 months old and although circ debates/discussions are a common thing on Babycenter you'd think that by 19 months we would be past discussing this. Nope, not in Babycenter land. Here a poster starts a thread asking if anyone had ever heard of the practice of Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) because apparently she lives under a rock and never had. She wasn't even looking for a debate. Just baffled that something like that exists and sadly it does. But you can't mention FGM without someone piping in that just a regular plain old done at the hospital to your newborn son circumcision is the same kind of barbaric practice. What? I mean seriously?? Someone needs to do more reading and not just of propaganda. What did interest me though was this rather long post someone from a totally different birthclub posted about what they are currently discussing in school about FGM and circumcision. I won't post the whole thing, but the line that really got me was this...

"FGM was outlawed in the US in 1996. Technically, under the US constitution, this makes MGM illegal as well since the constitution guarantees equal protection for genders and races. (Boys circ'd after 1999 will have a very good chance at winning law suits against the hospitals, doctors and possibly even their parents for being altered cosmetically against their consent)."

I haven't gone to google to find out if this is true or not. I guess you'd have to really prove that regular routine male circumcision is the same as Male Genital Mutilation. It is an interesting concept though. Can you imagine all these boys and men filing all these lawsuits because they were "mutilated" without their consent? Especially in a country where up until recently the circ rate has been greater than the non-circ rate. Insanity! It makes me think of that episode of Strange Sex that I watched where this guy made this contraption to "grow" his foreskin back because yep...he feels mutilated. It was sort of laughable to me at the time because he claimed being circ'd ruined his sex life...even though he had sex fine with his wife for the first 2o years of his marriage. Now that he is older and can't get it up like he used to he blames it on the "barbaric" practice that his parents' had inflicted upon him when he was too young to have a say. Somehow I seriously doubt the fact that he was circ'd had anything to do with his ED issues. Too bad he was born well before 1999 because he may have been able to sue and earn tons of loot to mass market his foreskin growing device.

My honest opinion of this whole thing...I chose to leave my son intact but not because I think circ's are mutilation or barbaric, but because frankly it's unnecessary, insurance wouldn't cover it, and I was really swayed by the idea of letting him make that decision when he is old enough to. I don't think parents that choose to have it done to their sons are wrong, it just wasn't the choice I made. I'm glad to live in a place where we have these kind of choices when it comes to our children. I can't imagine what some massive lawsuit would do. I would think they'd have to stop allowing circ's like that law they were trying to pass in San Francisco which would then violate religious freedoms and cause all kinds of uproars. I guess it's not something that I'll ever personally have to worry about, but I would hate for it to come down to that. Whether you believe it's mutilation or not the bottom line is that your parents did what they thought was best for you at the time which is what any good parent tries to do. Hopefully they won't ever be shamed or punished for it.

And it starts

In a few short months I'm turning...gasp...30! The big 3-0. As I approach this gigantic milestone in my life I have come to realize a lot of things. Things about life and about myself. Some good, some bad, some just are what they are, but while sitting outside watching my babies play while contemplating who I am in this world it occurred to me that maybe I should write it down. I used to write. I used to write a lot. I wrote poetry and I have unsuccessfully written two books, but neither really interest me anymore. I just want to jot random thoughts to a page. Like a diary or a journal but journals and I have a bad relationship and I haven't written in one since the big Journal Debacle of 2002 (that's another story for another time). So as I got used to using my fancy new gmail account and started following my friends' blogs I realized that maybe I should start one too. Not really to entertain anyone or even for anyone to follow. If they or you do, then great...welcome to my random life! But really I plan for this to be some sort of therapy for me. Thoughts on a page, expressing what I feel, how I feel, or even just what silly thing I'm thinking about or debating at the moment. I'm not going to pretend I'm some great writer. I mean I write like I talk. My grammar sucks, my spelling is only as good as my spell check. But that's the great thing about a blog. No one is going to grade my writing skills and the grammar police can kiss my ass.

I'm calling this my 1/3 life crisis because well obviously I'm turning 30 and even though technically 1/3 is 33...I'm not expecting to live much older than 90. As for my crisis...well mostly it's fun to say. I'm not exactly going through a crisis. I'm not about to buy some fancy car or move my family to Australia or something. I've just come to a point where I have actually figured myself out and am confident in who I am. I think back to who I was when I was in high school or even in my short college career and can't believe I wasted so much time just being so plain foolish. But that's part of growing up and they say it makes you who you are so I guess I should be grateful that it got me to where I am today. Because I may wish I had done a whole slew of things differently but ultimately I'd want to be right back here. Right where I am meant to be. It doesn't mean I don't think about it. I'm a dreamer. I always have been and I guess that's what this is for. When I feel like dreaming or thinking or figuring stuff out or even just sharing funny stories about my kids, I'll be here talking to whoever feels like listening. I can't promise I'll blog every day. I can't promise this will even last forever, but until the day comes that I'm bored with it and move on I'll make an effort to post once a week...sharing my crisis.