Besides feeling like death today, I'm also feeling old. Okay not old in the way that 30 is old but old as in the eldest of my little cousin's (my first cousin's son) turned 18 yesterday and has graduated high school. We spent a good portion of the day yesterday at their house celebrating both. I know that time flies, kids grow up...all of it happens too quickly. But I can remember the first time I met him when he was just a baby. I remember when we met up with them in Boston and he couldn't even walk yet but would sit on my lap for hours. I remember when he loved The Lion King so much that they had to keep it on the TV in this endless loop because he would stand at the TV and roar until they put it back on. I remember when he grabbed my boob in the checkout line at Shop and Save and said "your going to have babies one day!" and at 16 I was completely mortified. He was this baby, this toddler. Then I saw him yesterday hanging out with his group of friends...being a normal teenager. When did he grow up...or worse, when did I grow up? If he's legally an adult now, heading off to college, beginning his journey into being a self-sufficient member of society then I guess I'm already there. Well I know I'm already there...mostly...but it just feels so surreal. I mean the kid can grab the keys and take off in a car and go driving around with his friends. I remember driving around with my friends like it was yesterday....ah the days of Magnolia and alien testing sites. I just always remember being the cool older cousin to them. Then as my son goes toddling over to the group of teenage boys and I follow I realize that I'm not the cool older cousin. I'm an adult now. Okay I sort of stopped being just the cool older cousin when I got married and didn't spend my visits with them playing for hours, but it didn't always feel that way. Yesterday it did. Like I'm on the outside looking in at my little cousins who are not so little anymore and are beginning their own lives that no longer revolve around me. Instead it's my youngest 13 year old little cousin who is running around playing with my daughter for hours. They are me and my kids are them.
I realized that a while ago but I just didn't figure out where I fit in all of it. I didn't feel like just one of the adults, but I guess that is who I am now. My spot in family gatherings has now become sitting with the adults talking about adult things. The place that I always wanted to be when I was younger. I guess that makes me old and it is time to just sit back and embrace this adulthood. I'm certainly not getting any younger. Or maybe I just drank too much NyQuil.
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